every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
