Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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