this boner is exhausting
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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