Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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