i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Drake has all the answers
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
