Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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