I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
