I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
