hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
