Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize