this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize