Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
why do cheetos always look like penises
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize