I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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