Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
