I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
