You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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