When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
