Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
