i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
