There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
