it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
tell me about the eggs
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
