we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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