I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
