Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have feelings that need drinking.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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