my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
