Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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