this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So vagazzling was a success
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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