I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
