It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
