Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
In America we eat man semen.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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