Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
