Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
