I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
