I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
