sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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