He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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