I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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