I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ttyl tear gas
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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