I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
