You just made me feel so damn special
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
