Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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