My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
