The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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