My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
