Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
