I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
