Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
