Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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