she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
