Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize