Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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