i wish my penis had a tongue
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
