Already got asked if we're dating
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
