It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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