see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
